Wednesday, April 19, 2017


My Mother was a blonde for most of her
life. As far from dumb as possible Ethel's
fabled French twist was the basis for her
much maligned nickname of "Princess
Grace." Mistaken attributions aside, I've
always held golden haired ladies in high
regard. And recently a former colleague
poked my memory about two blond babes
who I once had the pleasure (or challenge)
to work with. Let the memories begin...

At Marshall Field's our top customers were
called "zoomers" (affluent lady boomers).
Our job was to celebrate her experience,
lifestyle, and beauty via advertising. Jerry
Hall embodied all of those attributes and
more. So we hired her as spokesperson for
the Fall 2004 season. My team and I flew
to London to shoot Jerry for the campaign.
In addition she walked the runway at our
Chicago and Minneapolis fashion shows.

Everything about Jerry was stunning - her
soaring height, Texan drawl, and golden
mane dazzled. However all was not perfect
in paradise. Mrs. Jagger had recently split
with hubby Mick post being usurped by a
brunette named Carla (later France's First
Lady). Not only did this damage her ego,
it hit her pocketbook. Hence Ms. Hall's
willingness to hawk our wares for a fee.
And I was the guy who picked up her tab.
We spent two days shooting our
TV commercial at a catering hall
called Highclere Castle. Now it's
known as Downton Abbey. Here
is a link to the spot - Jerry TV...
And talk about reality television.
While still beautiful Jerry was a
mass of insecurities. She poured
over every image sultrily cooing
"Marvelous, amazing, fabulous."
Yet one sensed that deep down
she doubted every word she said.
How foolish women can be...
Ultimately any insecurities Jerry
may have harbored were usurped
by the overt attentions of a rather
famous billionaire. Now the latest
trophy wife of Ruppert Murdoch,
this lovely lady is  once again the
center of attention. A position that
she most certainly deserves. Thus
once again Jerry Hall has proven
that she is the ultimate "zoomer."

During my time at Lane Bryant we did our
best to combat plus-sized bigotry. Given
most women weigh in at size 14 or larger,
we celebrated "plump" as "sexy" by hiring
larger than life celebrities such as Queen
Latifah, Cameron Manheim, Carre Otis,
and even Mr. Big (Chris Noth). However
our most successful alliance was with the
plus sized superstar Anna Nicole Smith.
The ultimate bigger that life celebrity!!
"Vicki Lynne" was the most
beautiful and saddest lady
I've ever known. All that she
wanted was to be loved. To
satisfy said need she hired
a bunch of leaches. All who
sucked the life out of her.
Every year we staged a plus size
lingerie fashion show featuring
performers like Aretha Franklin.
Invariably we hired Miss Anna
Nicole to strut down the runway.
And in 2002 KISS led the bill as
our headline act. We were cool!
Click here to see The Ultimate
Kiss. But the biggest fireworks
were offstage. Anna and Gene
enjoyed the night before. Yet
on the day of the show, Gene
ignored her very presence...
His rejection sent Anna straight
to a bottle of Crystal and other
mood supplements. Thus we
spent that night cooing, cajoling,
and calming her angst. Finally
she reluctantly wobbled down
the runway and helped to make
February 2, 2002 a big success.
Sadly three years later it came
to an end on February 7, 2005.
You see, she died. In between
Anna Nicole dieted down to
nothing, gave birth, lost all of
her money, wed her lawyer,
buried a son, and finally gave
up. Beautiful yet vulnerable
one wonders what might have
been had she truly been loved.