Tuesday, March 31, 2015


Life in the fast lane
In theory I should be cool, calm,
and collected. If I'm truly "retired"
then that means I'm not working
and hence in theory have no real
responsibilities. Yet unfortunately
nothing could be farther from the
truth. My friends who trod this path
prior warned me and were right -
I'm busier than I've ever been and
then some! In fact I can't seem to
keep on schedule and up with all
of the demands of my theoretical
life of leisure. I'm an utter mess.
Hot and bothered
There's a song in the fifties musical
Pajama Game. A time management
expert bemoans the convoluted ways
he saves time like brushing his teeth
in the shower. Things aren't that bad
but often the day is practically over
before I finally get a chance to take
a shower. While I once dreamed of
leisurely hours steaming away under
a hot spigot - I'm lucky if I'm wet for
less than five minutes every other
day. Well, things could be worse -
at least I'm trying to clean up my act.
Clearly theres a problem
I wish the same cleanliness applied
to my eyewear. Sadly most of the
time it appears as if I'm in a fog or
blizzard conditions. Mother Nature
has nothing to do with my inability
to see clearly. Sadly I simply forgot
to clean my specs. The resulting haze
is another indication of my inability
to keep up with the simplest of tasks.
Even when I was working a twelve
hour day I was able to occasionally
spritz my lenses. Maybe I should
wear them while I'm in the shower...
Step by step
Then there are my shoes. We all know
my affection for all things Italian. Yet
sadly my tootsies are rather lackluster
these days. Not due to a lack of options
to slip into but rather because they no
longer shine like they used to. While
my to-do list includes brogue buffing
I never spit and polish. Hence when I
run out of the door my feet are dull at
best. If only there was a shoe shine
boy within a two hundred mile radius.
Not likely as cowboys seem to prefer
lots of dust on their boots. YEE HAW!
Who knew?
If nothing else I'm a confused man on
a mission. Today I ran into the grocer
to pick up some last minute things. As
usual I was self consumed and walked
past my dear friend "A." Fortunately
she prodded me out of my coma and
soon we were hugging in front of the
organic produce. A few unplanned
minutes chuckling with a friend were
a welcome respite from life's worries.
Then suddenly reality hit and I had to
ask myself... why did I come here and
what was I supposed to get?
Cracked up
Late this afternoon I realized Easter
is THIS Sunday. Quick like a bunny
I hopped to it and gathered my eggs.
You see - if my granddaughter hopes
to enjoy her loot she has to first get
it. Given I live quite far away it is
usually wise to ship in advance. As
that clearly did not happen I had to
fill said basket, box it up, and rush
over to the Post Office prior to the
Express Mail deadline. Happily this
pesky wabbit made it under the wire
and it should arrive by Good Friday.
Just in time
Finding the time to write my daily
missive in the middle of my mania
is troublesome at best. However
somehow I do it. While I at times
question whether anybody reads it,
something or someone reminds me
that it is not for naught. While at
the Post Office I requested more
of those Janice Joplin stamps. The
lady behind the counter replied
"They're all gone - we had a rush
on them after your last blog." Proof
that some of my time is well spent.

Monday, March 30, 2015


With or without?
When did the simple act of enjoyment
become rife with worries about the
risks related to satisfaction? It seems
that almost anything that tastes good
is at least in someone's theory bad for
us. Hence we all deprive ourselves of
things that in reality make us happy.
While I don't want to get some dread
condition or grow a large tumor out
of the side of my head - I must ask
why am I doing without? Especially
when I lack any documentation that
might prove a need for my abstinence?
All the white stuff
As a baby boomer I was born to adore
white bread. Sadly Wonder Bread was
never in our bread box. Ethel felt that
it was both unhealthy and déclassé. So
I envied my friends who could squish
their slices down to a size equal to that
of communion wafer. Our loaves were
delivered by the Dugan man. Once we
placed his blue "D" in the window he
stopped and brought freshly baked
goods to our door including the white
stuff. Later we switched to Pepperidge
Farm Classic White. It was classy...
Half baked idea
Somehow having to now chew on loaves
of whole grain sawdust isn't the same. In
theory I embrace that the rough stuff is
better for you. However I still secretly
crave whatever's white. Recently I had
to purchase a loaf of white bread to make
classic tea sandwiches. For a day or so
after... the remainders of the loaf silently
sat waiting. Initially I resisted crossing
over to the white side. Then finally one
morning I toasted a slice, slathered it
with butter, and went straight to heaven
on earth. Hell was that good!
So bad... it's good
How could something so wrong be
so right? And why am I so brain
washed that the nibbling on white
bread is akin to murdering one's kin?
I'm sick of worrying about whether
it's organic, non GMO, free range,
or anti-biotic free. I simply want to
enjoy whatever I eat. We've become
so crazed with consumption. I yearn
for the days when nobody worried
about gluten or lactose nor counted
their calories. Instead they did as
they pleased,  ate what they liked.
Freedom of choice
Let's take a holiday from immaculate
consumption. If you crave Hungry
Jack instant mashed potatoes... go
for it. If deep within your heart you
want to dine on Stove Top stuffing
mix... why not? If you think there's
nothing better than chemical laden
store brand ice cream... enjoy! We
are what we eat. However if what
goes in makes us miserable, then
why continue to torture ourselves?!
Don't give a damn - pull out some
Spam! Let's take a bite out of life!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

7th Day Surprise - Palms down

Today is Palm Sunday.
Hence many of us will be waving the green stuff.
Or weaving it into something during the homily.
Passover starts Friday April 3rd.
Easter is Sunday April 5th.
So for today, don't sit there on your ass (donkey)