Friday, January 31, 2014

I wrote... and UKRAINE...

One of the most fun things about writing
this blog is watching the statistics. One
of my favorite charts tracks readership
by country. Oddly, after the U.S.of A.,
my most fervent readers are Ukrainians.
Most days at least ten percent of my total
readership is from the Ukraine. So I hit
Google to see what that was all about.
Quickly I learned that a field in Ukraine
(above) looks just like one in Montana
(left). Given I knew little to Nada about
my friends to the east, I decided it was
time to answer some of my questions.

Ukraine is situated in Eastern Europe.
Forty five million live in this democracy
versus one million in Montana. Kiev is
the largest city at 2.758 million versus
Billings at 107 thousand. Kiev sits at
50 degrees north latitude. Lewistown
at 47 degrees north. Lewistown soars
4,000 feet above sea level while Kiev
is hits 587. Ukraine and Montana are
highly agricultural. In 2011 Ukraine
was the third largest grain exporter
worldwide. In the U.S. Montana was
third for wheat at 175M bushels.

Beyond some early battles with Native
Americans, Montana is a peaceful place.
The Ukraine has been a battleground
much of the time since the tenth century
with conflicting forces fighting for their
piece of this fertile land. In the twentieth
century it survived two world and one
civil war before becoming part of the
Soviet Union, Home to the Chernobyl
disaster, Ukraine gained freedom in
1990 but political strife continues on.
Meanwhile it's economy has grown by
seven percent annually since 2000.

Since November, conflicts in Ukraine
have increased over ties to Russia. The
resulting upheaval has alienated many
citizens who have since participated en
masse in demonstrations daily. In Kiev
on January 22nd, two protesters were
killed during conflicts with government
forces. Last Sunday, Pope Frances called
for "constructive dialogue" between the
Ukraine authorities and it's opposition.
He begged them all to renounce violence.
Meanwhile Montana continues to keep
cold war nuclear missiles in cold storage.

So... the obvious question is what does a
gay advertising man living in New York
and Montana have in common with most
Ukrainians? Well, it is almost as cold in
the Ukraine as it is in Montana. January
averages a low in Lewistown of twelve
degrees while Kiev maintains a balmy
twenty two. Thirty one is the average
high for both. Ukraine is geographically
1.58% larger than Montana. However
with an average in Ukraine of 200 vs
6.86 people per square mile, there's
more room under Montana's big sky!

Maybe it's because I'm fascinated by
the Ukraine gay boy band Kazaky
(watch them here). Popular around
the world, they've even strutted the
DSquared runway in Milan. What's
obvious is their aggressive agenda
fueled by hits like "Crazy Law"
and Doesn't Matter". Yet I can't help
but worry about the Ukraine gay
community at large.  Given Russian
alliance protests, my concern is that
Mr. Putin's offensive opinions and
abusive laws will suddenly matter!

I do know one thing, I've never met
a dumpling I didn't like. So one thing
we have in common is Varenky! Add
a passion for Borshch and we're in a
pretty good place. Food aside, it really
doesn't matter why you're reading my
ramblings. Just know that I welcome
each and every one of my Ukrainian
friends. If I've learned one thing since
starting this blog it's that we live in a
very small world. So if you're ever in
New York or Lewistown, let's dine!
Or sip some Horika, Mead, or Kvas!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

How quickly we forget

"Why are you sitting
 alone in your room?"
My television will not be tuned to
CBS to view the Winter Olympics.
While I'm certain that many of you
are excited about what will begin
in Sochi Russia, I simply can't join
the festivities. You see, in late June
Mr. Putin signed a law that allows
police to arrest/detain any tourist or
foreign national that they suspect
might be a homosexual, lesbian,
or "pro-gay". He also classified
any pro-gay media "pornography".
While some might accuse me of being a
bit defensive, the fact is that I have every
right to be. You see, history has already
proven that legalized prejudice such as
Mr. Putin's can make good people to do
bad things. By the start of the thirties,
Berlin was the gayest city one could live
in. Enough to foster efforts to legalize
gay marriage in the Wiemar Republic.
Adolf Hitler assumed power in 1933
and quickly his Nazi's arrested over
100,000 homosexual men. All as their
former friends and neighbors watched.

The law is the law so who am I to
question it? It's hard not to when
a country legally violates my rights.
Therefore I'm not surprised that my
buddy Mr. Putin plans to throw
a winter party without inviting me.
He must assume that we "gays" are
either stupid or desperate. Otherwise
why would we risk being arrested to
watch people ski, sled, and skate? It's
his loss as I doubt any decent skaters
will be there given most of those boys
in tights like other boys in tights.
Mr. Putin recently changed his tune
by publicly stating that people like
me are now"welcome" at the Sochi
Olympics. However he cautioned
that while there we must "leave the
children in peace". Apparently
Vladimir is concerned that a flood
of raging queers will taint the youth
of Sochi. Talk about motivation to
reconsider attending? Why would
I visit somebody who really doesn't
want me near their children? Sadly
I must decline his kind invitation.
"A mark, a Yen,
 a Buck or a Pound"
Most assume that hosting the Olympics
is all about money. However in 1936
the Berlin Olympics were actually all
about propaganda. Hitler's goal was to
promote Aryan superiority and the Nazi
political agenda. Fortunately a black man
from Alabama won four gold medals
and proved Adolf wrong. Now, what
sport do you think I have to win in
order to prove that just because I'm gay
I have no intention of molesting Russian
children? Let me know Vladimir...

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Home cookin'

Too much of a good thing
In Manhattan one has a plethora
of dining options. Within steps you
can nibble on almost any type of
international cuisine or grab some
eggs, a sandwich, or burger. While
it's exciting to dine with some of the
world's best chef's... it can get a bit
dull. You see the question I dread
more than any other is "where shall
we dine". In the last weeks I've been
out endlessly. To the point where it
seems as if there is no joint left that
I haven't supped at. I'm... DONE.
Rebel with a cause
So, I've decided to rebel. Tonight
I'm dining with my dear friends
"D" and "M". I've decided to take
them on a culinary adventure to
a place that only a select few of
my friends ever get to experience.
We're dining at my apartment and
I'm cooking! There are few things
that are as intimate as dining in
the privacy of one's abode. In my
opinion there is no better way to
demonstrate that you care than by
simply doing it oneself. Welcome!

Close to my heart
While "D" and "M" are just like family,
I truly enjoy entertaining in Manhattan.
Experiencing that level of intimacy in
an urban setting is often an extremely
unique experience for out of towners.
I've been fortunate to live in elegant
petit pied a terres during my last two
sojourns in the city that never sleeps.
A small table that seats six at the most
is ideal for a tete a tete au chez moi.
With no need to rush on to an eight
o'clock reservation, we can sit and sip
as we enjoy each other's company.
Simply divine
Given I work a full day, I have to plan
and build up to these events whenever
they occur mid week. My preference is
to serve comfort food, nothing fussy.
I usually prepare it the evening before
and then simply reheat. Fortunately my
repertoire of slow cooked classics like
Bouef Bourguignon, Coq au Vin, and
Osso Bucco taste even better after a
day in the fridge. Given I'm not a
baker, fresh berries and sorbet add
a light end to my rich repast. Less is
more which means I can focus on you!
VIP treatment
Most important, we can actually
TALK when dining at home.
Why anybody thinks screaming
at one's dinner partner in a busy
room is preferable confounds me.
I prefer to sit, sip, and sup in the
solitude of my own rooms. After
all, why do we get together if not
to revel in each other's company?
Obligatory engagements aside
a home cooked meal shows just
how important you are to me.
The proof is in my pudding!!

Visa versa
Now... to reassure any who
haven't dined in my home...
timing is everything. Often
I simply cannot get my act
together. So don't assume
that you're not special just
because we dined out not
in. If I spend time with you,
you're extremely important.
But, if you've got the time
and energy, I would love
a home cooked meal served
at somebody else's house!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

And the answer is...

Lavender alert
Heterosexuals query homosexuals
about homosexuality frequently.
Beyond "who's the husband and
who's the wife?", most of you are
fascinated with "gaydar". In other
words, how do we "gays" know
who is on our team? As one who
lived half his life rather confused
myself, I may not have all of the
answers. However in an effort to
help clarify the mysteries of all
things queer, I will attempt to
straighten you out in today's blog.

Boys will be boys
Let me make something clear from
the get go. Men are men no matter
who they prefer to sleep with. The
dichotomy of Venus versus Mars
doesn't shift with orientation. That
means that the majority of men
will flirt, lear, ogle, and cheat no
matter who or what they like. It's
part of their DNA. Seen one, you
know them all. MEN ARE PIGS.
Been there done that
Beyond an innate ability to dress
and decorate better, there is little
else that separates the wheat from
the chaff. Men are all cut from the
same cloth. Male animal magnetism
aside, the fact is I had to kiss quite
a few frogs before I finally met my
prince. In the process they all told
me that they loved me on the first
date only to never call again...

An eye for an eye
The easiest way to tell that a man
is gay is simply the way he looks
at other men. Think about it girls,
how many times has a wolf eyed
you up and down upon entering
a room? Well gentleman, the same
phenomena happens to men. The
difference is most straight guys are
too oblivious to see an opportunity
sitting across the room. Wake up!

Soft touch
The second way you can easily discern
fellows of a certain orientation is their
body language. I'm not talking about
the cliche of a floppy wrist. Rather, we
gay men share a physical intimacy with
each other. For whatever reason, most
straight men never touch each other
beyond a handshake. I often wonder
what they're afraid of... We have no
problem being close to each other.
Rather than a butch slap on the back,
we may give each other a back rub.
We're comfortable in each other's skin.

Good intentions aside
Let me make one thing very clear.
While we may be men, we're not
all liars and cheats. Sadly many
gay men of my generation were
idealistic fools. We did what we
were told to do. So, we buried our
inner urges and ran to the altar as
quickly as possible. After years of
living false lives, most of us failed.
Proof that our sexual orientation is
not a choice. My only regret is the
many broken hearts it took to learn
just that. Don't ask... TELL.

All that glitters is not...
I must warn you all that in today's
metrosexual world, your Gaydar
may be a tad challenged. Perfectly
coiffed, plucked, fashionable boys
don't necessarily like boys. I know
quite a few girly guys to love girls.
Not only to shop with... but to...
So just because your guy arranges
the flowers he gives you, I would
not assume that he isn't ready and
willing to deflower you. In truth
all stereotypes just are cliches. So
rather than assume... EXPLORE!

The facts of like
In truth there are no easy answers
as to what makes some one gay,
gay. That fact proves that we are
complex and varied creatures. All
that I can tell you is that what I
feel for someone of the same sex
is exactly the same as what you
feel about your beloved. Desire
is desire. Love is love. Fidelity is
fidelity. In todays complex world,
acceptance and candor can help
end conflict and confusion. In the

Monday, January 27, 2014


Nine lives?
One of the most disturbing elements
of the business world is the fact that
most organizations are being led by
a bunch of pussies. For some reason
nobody seems to be willing to take a
risk or even attempt to make the right
decision. Instead we pussy foot around
the issues, doing whatever is necessary
to simply survive. In the end this stints
growth, innovation, and talent. Forcing
the big dogs to go elsewhere to play.
It's hard to explain why leaders are so
afraid of leading. Isn't that their job?
Scaredy cat
The worst type of pussy is
one backed into a corner.
Quickly they pull out their
claws and lash out at almost
anyone or anything in their
way. Watch out because
with just one swipe, you
can get cut up quite badly.
Therefore I suggest that if
you come across a terrified
tabby - stand back and let
them scratch themselves
right out of the picture.

Queen of the jungle
At least in the fashion industry
we're fortunate to have a few
big cats left who aren't afraid
to roar. Instead they stake out
their territory, kill any innocent
prey in their way, and rule the
kingdom. While the devil may
wear Prada, this particular breed
of feline knows that the devil is
in the dictates. More important,
she seems to have no problem
telling you exactly what to do
nor when and where to do it.
Puss in boots
Some cats seem to think all that they
have to do is work the room to get
what they want. After they rub up
against your leg and purr, they're
hard to resist. However in the end
the only surge you've experienced
is that smudge of cat fur that they
left behind on your wool serge pant
leg. You see, it's all about them. If
you accept that fact, all will be OK.
They go where they want and do
whatever they like. All they really
want from you is to be fed and free.
Fat cats
There is nothing worse than
complacency. Well... actually
there is...  entitlement. Often
pampered beyond belief, this
breed of pussy is among the
hardest to house train. They
simply think their shit does
not stink and therefore feel
that they can crap on anyone
who steps into their litter box.
While they appear sedentary,
in reality they are poised to
pounce on all who threaten.
Leader of the pack
Who wants to herd a pack of
ferule felines? The fact is that
somebody has to do it but few
are up to the challenge. While
it may not seem so, they want
focus and crave structure. Pets
are happiest when trained and
well cared for. What truly gets
my dander up is leaders who
do anything to avoid conflict.
That creates mania, confusion,
and angst. Stop being such a
pussy and be the TOP CAT!