Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Oh... deer
Living in rural Montana we often dealt
with native fauna and feathered friends.
We even built seven foot walls around
our yard to keep out predators. All to
insure our flora wasn't devoured by a
lock of famished fawns. While Bambi
may be charming from afar once a few
deer ones nibble on your arborvitae all
you think of is committing MURDER.
However for some reason it's against
the law to purposefully eliminate such
urbane interlopers. Hence I spent years
in futile pursuit of errant critters.
Uninvited visitors
For whatever reason I assumed that I was rid
of such hassles here in Manhattan. At least in
my neighborhood most rats reside out of sight.
Given a building such as mine maintains tight
entrance criteria for it's tenants I've never seen
a cockroach. However since summer arrived
and I set up my eleventh floor perch I've been
beset by pigeons come to roost. For whatever
reason they've decided that my "all weather"
rug is the perfect spot to crap their guts out.
And while inevitably shit happens... in return
I've decided the only elimination that's going
to occur on my balcony is THEM!
Repeat offenders
The problem is how does one get rid of such
free range squabs?! First I tried to shoo them
away. But obviously pigeons are a rather crafty
lot. Thus after I've sent them on their way they
sit somewhere and wait till I fly the coop. Then
immediately return to the scene of their crimes
to once again mark their spot. Once I spy them
again, I open the door and rush out screaming
like a maniac. Only to watch them frantically
bump into the glass railing as they try to flee.
Nothing would make me happier than to ring
their necks. Yet I don't want to be a jail bird
thus I have developed a legal exit strategy.

Full circle solution
As with most problems in life I immediately
hit Google for a solution. Some advise that
one position an open jar of liniment near the
scent of their crimes. To date I haven't found
any that rubs them the wrong way. Others
suggest moth balls which I've now placed in
trays beneath the furniture. Sadly said scent
is so over powering that even I can no longer
catch a breath of fresh air on the balcony.
But happily since said installation they've
disappeared. Hopefully they've found a new
place to nest. However I'm doing whatever
it takes to make sure they're gone forever!
Layaway plan
There are all sorts of electronic contraptions
that emit sound waves and faux calls to scare
them away. But I doubt that they'll do much
more than drive up my Con Ed bill. So after
much research I think I've found the answer.
Who knew that instead of frequenting "BG"
that I'd end up as a regular at "Bird-B-Gone"?
Yesterday I ordered fifty feet of polycarbonate
spike strips which I'll attach along the balcony
perimeter. Establishing a impenetrable barrier
against any winged adversary. ANYTHING
to insure they fly my coop so that I can perch
eleven stories above 57th street in peace!