Thursday, January 24, 2013

"There ain't nuttin' like a dame!"

Recently we discussed "Broads" on Montanaroue.
Today I feel the need to continue our exploration of this unique species.
Let's face it, most of the great ones are already gone.
Bea Arthur, Martha Raye, Joan Blondell, Selma Diamond, Nancy Walker.

These icons of colorful candor
live on in our memories,
cable syndication, and TCM.

One can still see random sightings 
of Fran Dresher on TV Land.
But few survive and even fewer thrive.
Where is the next generation?
Without them who will tell it like it is?

are rare creatures 
on the brink 
of extinction.

Therefore it is every one's duty to cherish and protect the few we have left.
The following is a simple checklist of key characteristics of the species.
Broads are everywhere. Use this out in the field as you sight these rare birds. 

If you encounter a Broad in her natural habitat, approach with caution.

Carmen Miranda raking the lawn
There is only one thing a Broad loves more than high heels, and that's a pair of even higher platforms. Height is her defense against predators. Therefore they can also be seen with large mounds of hair atop their heads. No matter what they do, Broads do it in heels.
- Pick up some milk
- Take a hike
- Mow the lawn
- Run a marathon
- Hunt for men

Joan Cusack in Working Girl
The patron saint of Broads is Max Factor. Makeup creates a protective shield that nothing can penetrate. Application is a simple yet proven formula:
- Pancake, lots of pancake.
- Boldly defined (painted) brows
- Heavy eye shadow (blue)
- Lots of lipstick (caked)
- Accent with beauty mark

The other man in her life is named FREDERICK (of Hollywood that is). Let's face it, every Broad knows how to maximize the girls. The key is cleavage which requires wearing the right bra. 
Hmmm... do you think that was Victoria's secret?

Martha Raye - Born in Butte, Montana
In order to be a true Broad, you must master the art of the "wisecrack". This unique talent requires that one to be extremely smart, experienced, and LOUD. Also, it doesn't hurt if you can also belt out an occasional ballad. Ethel Merman, Sophie Tucker, Barbra Streisand, Cyndi Lauper, Bernadette Peters, and Bette Midler became stars doing just that! Sing Louise, SING!

Who knows if we can save this endangered group of femme fatales?
It is up to each and every one of us to nurture, support, and adore them.
Otherwise, there will be no Broads to color our world!