There comes a point in almost all of our lives
where we know exactly what's right for us.
Once one embraces their individual nirvana
all seems right in the world. However nothing
is forever. Hence the very idea that happiness
is self sustaining is foolhardy at best. Knowing
what's best is the culmination of much time and
effort. Yet maintaining a firm foothold in that
sweet spot is not guaranteed. Each of us must
maintain a delicate balance as we straddle the
gap between good and evil. And even with the
best of intentions, we're all apt to occasionally
shift from one side or the other.
It's been said that happiness is a gift from God.
And yet in my experience a fleeting one at best.
Lately I've been stuck deep in a pit of trial and
error. In survival mode, all I'm trying to do is
survive on the short term. Therefore it's rather
hard to see the forest for the trees (or... visa
versa.) During times like these most of us try
to do anything but dwell on the issues at hand.
However this time I'm doing my best to not let
them take advantage of me. While quite a noble
gesture, that's easier said than done. Yet little of
my angst if fueled by anybody but me. And so
any mind games played are with myself alone.
Few if any of us know what makes us tick.
For me it's a mix of responsibility, ambition,
and guilt. Something deep inside says I do
NOT deserve all that I've got. Hence while
passing a cop on the side of the highway,
I'll worry that I've done something wrong.
While obviously innocent, my angst fuels
an unsettling fear that somebody is going
to figure out that I'm a fraud. All of which
is pure fiction. I consider myself an honest
and honorable man. Like anybody else I've
made my share of mistakes. All of which
were errors in judgement not purposeful.
Nobody is perfect and that's OK with me. Over
the years I've embraced my true self in all of
it's complex reality. Accepting both the good
and bad and leveraging both for maximum
effectiveness. Said dance between heaven and
hell can be unsettling. And at some point one
questions whether it's worth the effort. Part
of me wishes I could be a total asshole and
forget about everyone else. Yet for me that's
the emotional equivalent of alchemy. A quite
elusive miracle that can't possibly be achieved
by a mere mortal like myself. Which leads me
to the purpose of this meandering missive.
All good things must come to an end which
invariably leads to a new beginning. While
circumventing life's karmic cycle few of us
can do anything to change the outcome.
Hence at least for me the adage "let go, let
God" rings true. I'll be candid and admit
that at this point in my life, I question who,
what, when or where "God" is. And yet in
truth I know exactly where the truth lies.
And that's deep within me. All that I have
to do is embrace my undercurrent of peace,
tranquility, and affirmation. I won't get all
zen on you. but I'm responsible for ME.
The same applies to you. In our modern world
most want to blame anybody but themselves.
We blithely sit back and expect some savior
to rescue us from what in reality is nobody's
fault but our own. The result of such apathy
is the political tsunami that engulfs us. As the
news only gets more bizarre, we attempt to
distance ourselves from the mess. All while
in truth, whatever is happening is the result
of our decisions, actions, and mistakes. At
some point we must own what's happened
and make sure it never happens again. Isn't
it time that WE atoned for OUR sins?