Garden Party

Wait a minute
While most consider it foolish to plant
anything in Montana before Mother's
Day, the fact is spring has sprung much
earlier than usual in these here parts.
Don't get me wrong - I have no doubt
that it may still snow at least once more
before summer arrives. However most
trees, shrubs, and the like are in full
bloom and the daffodils are almost done.
Hence every day the temptation is to get
out there and dig in. Fortunately to date
our gardener has been focused on prep
and cleanup only. Better safe than sorry!

The plot thickens
Twenty years ago I had no idea that
ultimately Frank would become Mr.
Green Jeans. In fact, I would have
argued the point. Yet as the year
pass, my beloved spends more and
more time in his garden and along
the way got his green on. It's been
ten years since he started maintaining
a fairly large plot out at his family's
ranch. Each year it grows a bit bigger
and thus yields a tad more. Therefore
the months spent planning, planting,
and plucking simply make him happy.

Garden view
I certainly love a garden but honestly
have no desire to tend one. So as with
most things in life - his yin balances
my yang. If nothing else, the task of
keeping nature at bay and flourishing
takes up most of his days. I'll admit
that I miss the pitter pat of his feet.
Yet not as much as I enjoy having the
house to myself! Now that we're finally
focusing on landscaping the Passion Pit
it will be interesting to see how we keep
two gardens in balance. And honestly,
I'm a bit worried about it.

Nature boy
Frank's always been a bit of a naturalist.
Since becoming a homeowner, one of
his pet projects is weed and dandelion
control. Rather than take the toxic way
out, my better half prefers to take the
healthy road. That means hours out on
the turf digging up sprouts. Being the
impatient kind, I'd rather die of some
dread disease caused by insecticides
rather than break my back in such an
exercise of futility. One thing I have
learned is to shut up and watch from
afar. Besides... he's so damned cute!

Alter egos
One must appreciate the differences
in any relationship. Therefore I must
admit that we're more than good for
each other. At times I marvel at how
well we compliment each other. All
while behind the scenes we may be
driving each other nuts. Everything
about Frank makes me better and
my hope is that at least some of said
benefice is returned. The longer we're
together, the easier it gets. So you
won't see me weeding anytime soon.
It's important to stay off his turf!

Golden glow
I've decided that part of happiness is
simply accepting reality. Rather than
fight one's weaknesses, discovering
the best (and easiest) way to counter
them is the only way to go. That's
probably why we're in this together -
to help one another. Life is brief but
without happiness, it can be awfully
monotonous. You reap what you sow.
So if plucking dandelions makes the
one I love happy - I'm certain it does
the same for me. Rather than being
contrary - how does your garden grow?

MANLY ADVICE

Men from Mars
They say "boys will be boys." While
most males are fairly unpredictable,
we gentlemen are in fact rather simple
creatures. As a man who loves men -
I should be an expert on the subject.
However while practice makes perfect
I'm anything but fully versed on all
of my gender's quirks, idiosyncrasies,
and foibles. I could be too close as
I'm one of them. However long ago
society figured out a way to soothe us
savage beasts. And now even if gay
we can't escape. It's called "marriage".

It takes all kinds
In my experience gentlemen fall into
a few key categories. It takes all types
but in reality, most guys have a natural
affinity to a certain group that thinks
or acts alike. We men tend to travel in
packs. If you're gay, some wear leather,
others cashmere, and a few... nothing
at all. Rather than waste your time
barking up the wrong tree, I thought
I'd share some insights into the art of
male domination. Most important...
NEVER turn your back on them. And
just as important, rarely trust them.

Much ado about nothing
Since the beginning of time some
gentlemen simply can't or won't
commit. Why buy the cow when
you're lactose intolerant? While
even George Clooney succumbed
to marital bliss, many guys have it
all... for nothing. They naturally
are unable to share anything more
than another's bed for an evening.
As long as there are plenty of fish
in the sea they'll keep on fishing.
So why swim with the sharks or
worse foolishly try to hook one?

Primal instinct
Some men are animals. Big, brawny,
and hairy beasts. The living antithesis
of femininity, these musky macho men
are ready to conquer whatever comes
their way. While usually quite skilled
in the bedroom, these types prefer the
great outdoors. So unless hunting or
hiking or camping are high on your
list, they're probably not worth more
than a random romp in the woods.
That said, beneath their quite furry
demeanor often lurks a pussy cat just
waiting to be stroked. Purrrrfect....

Jock itch
How often has some guy played you?
Most muscle men rarely have time
for anything but themselves. Prima
donnas - they primp, pump, tweeze,
and sculpt their bodies to perfection.
Thus nothing matters but what they
see in the mirror. Face it - the gym is
not the place to workout your desire
for a life partner. Beyond a fling in
the sauna, the only commitment a
jock makes is his gym membership.
So why not exercise your right to
happiness by sitting this game out.

Trunk show
Big hands, feet, noses, or extended
extremities aside, size rarely matters.
Sadly some studs only think with
their... hence beyond the occasional
burst of energy, nothing long lasting
ever happens. When adding notches
below their belts, few sense that all
this shall soon pass. Suddenly with
age comes the realization that what
lies between one's legs is but a faded
memory of a misspent youth. Reason
enough to avoid shooting your wad
on short term gain versus gravitas!

Dead heads
If you want to mother someone, just
have a baby. Otherwise avoid those
who only want to be taken care of.
While initially charming, I find no
allure in doing it all. Why pay for
everything and get nothing in return?
Charity cases can be quite a challenge
but like it or not, these leopards will
never changes their spots. The fact is
you'll give, give, and give. All while
your man sits on the sofa or worse,
on a chaise beside YOUR pool. So do
us all a favor and take care of yourself.

Yes or no?
Ever meet a boy who was gayer than
gay only for him to share snapshots
of his wife and kids? The fact is that
some of the most girly guys actually
like girls. For many women, a "gay"
husband is a dream come true. Now
fortunately those lucky ladies don't
have to wonder whether their dainty
Don Juan dips into both ends of the
pool. In a world where few hide in
the closet, effeminate boys would be
gay if they were gay. However it's
best to still avoid Bible thumpers...

Sweet spot
Finally there are those guys who are
simply nicer than nice. Every inch
of their being oozes compassion and
caring. Which makes them perfect
partners in life... and bed. Hence it's
not what's on the surface that matters
but what's deep within. Nothing is
sexier than someone who wants to
make you happy. Instead of chasing
cads - you should stay close to home.
Whether the boy next door, your best
friend, or that guy at the grocer - he's
waiting for you to give him a chance.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

I am so sorry
Many try to live by the golden rule.
For most of my life that's seemed to
be the only right thing to do. What
better insurance policy than sending
out as much good will as possible?
Yet sometimes even this golden boy
makes mistakes. And whenever that
happens, I find it not only totally
exacerbating, but beyond humbling.
The fact is anyone can err - even
with all good intentions. One thing
is certain, I am definitely human.
So why are so many so inhumane?

Oh no you didn't
Yesterday I had a lunch appointment
on the calendar. Said event had been
checked and double checked multiple
times. However when the time finally
arrived - I was not there. You see, I'd
forgotten. No better excuse than that.
And so, my lunch partners sat and
waited. And after a half an hour they
called and called and called and left.
The problem was I was on another
call and didn't recognize the number.
Well... not until my "dumb" bell went
off in my head! How could I forget?!

My bad
Immediately I returned their call
and abjectly apologized.  Given
I was the odd man out, I did my
best to make up for lost time.
However I continue to feel a bit
stupid. At least I stood up and
admitted I had done them wrong.
Better late than never to deliver
on my promise to "treat others
as I want to be treated."

No regrets
We all do things we don't
mean to do. Nothing is as
uncomfortable than facing
up to one's short comings
and apologizing. Yet isn't
that the best way to handle
another's disappointment?
If one drops the ball, why
not pick it up and play it
forward? No one benefits
by pretending nothing ever
happened. Denial gets you
no where. Admit it...

I should have known
In theory practice makes perfect.
Yet it's rare that post err those
involved do something about it.
Instead we each retreat to our
corners. The victim licks their
wounds while the perpetrator
pretends nothing happened. The
fact is it did. So why do both
sides continue to suffer and do
nothing about it? Isn't it better
to admit you're wrong and
consider it a lesson learned?
Or is ignorance truly bliss?!

Been there, done that
Let's act like adults. Passive
avoidance gets you nowhere.
Candid interaction actually
solves problems. Living by the
golden rule isn't sunshine and
lollipops. At times we must go
over to the dark side and face
reality. So please, just admit
you were wrong and apologize.
Then try to tell me that there is
anything more golden than that!

DO YOU MIND?!

Forget about it
They call it the long goodbye. After
eighteen years following a diagnosis
of Alzheimers my Father faded away.
Given I'm adopted we share no DNA
thus the odds are in my favor that I'll
never "lose it." Yet as we all become
forgetful with age most worry that it
could happen to us. Scientists have
been working on treatments to help
us avoid losing our minds. Recently
Rush University Medical Center in
Chicago announced a diet proven
to reduce the risk of Alzheimer's.

Food for thought
Like most healthy regimens - the MIND
diet is mostly about common sense. Oh,
and yes... avoiding all things white. The
idea of eliminating everything I prefer
from my daily intake makes this bon
vivant more than uncomfortable. Yet the
fact is that living within the new MIND
dietary guidelines shouldn't be that hard
for most of us. As I went down the list
I said - "I can do this". Given it's proven
to lower one's chance of "going nuts"
by at least thirty five percent - lets take
a deeper dive into the MIND DIET.

A case of the blues
Apparently berries - more specifically
blueberries are extremely beneficial
in battling the onset of forgetfulness.
In my opinion that's a gift from God
given those cerulean orbs are one of
the few fruits I actually enjoy eating
fresh. Especially when drowned in
heavy cream with a dusting of sugar.
Otherwise I prefer my fruit in a pie,
tart, or Jolly Rancher. I'm planning
to stock the fridge with plenty of
blueberries. Hmmm... do you think
a bowl of Booberries cereal counts?

Leaf it to me
Those who consume two servings
daily of green, leafy vegetables
experience a dramatic decrease in
their cognitive decline rate. While
my father's favorite veggie was kale
we rarely dined on anything leafy.
Anything started green somehow
ended up enshrouded in a cream
sauce after being cooked for hours.
Fortunately Frank and can't keep
our hands off the green stuff. The
bitterer the better! Sticking to this
diet might be easier that I thought!

If you peas...
I'm willing to do whatever it takes
avoid becoming a vegetable. The
MIND diet suggests devouring
mucho veggies daily. Happily
Frank and I are just like a pair of
rabid rabbits. We can't get enough
of the garden varieties! Nightly
after a massive salad - two thirds
of our plates are filled the fruit of
the earth. But I have one quandry,
are potatoes mashed with liberal
doses of butter and heavy cream
still considered "vegetables"?!

Total nut job
Most gay men can't get enough nuts.
Shelled and roasted varieties that is.
As a boy some of my favorite things
was to go to the local drugstore and
purchase a bag of warm cashews.
While in reality they were heated by
a standard lightbulb, somehow they
seemed decadent. Most of the time
we prefer to mix it up and hence a
bowl of mixed nuts sits proudly on
our coffee table. Hopefully peanut
butter counts especially when it's
topped with blueberry preserves!

Bean there, done that
Ethel rarely served legumes. So it's
no wonder that Howard lost it. You
see, the MIND diet found that beans
are a key to battling Alzheimers. If
she ever did, they were of the baked
Boston variety. Somehow I find it
doubtful that anything doused with
brown sugar and molasses will clear
one's mind but I'm going with this!
At our house we dine on beans be
it in chili, stewed with a ham bone,
or pureed into hummus. Contrary
to rumor, the air is still clear here.

Taking a bite out of life
Sadly it seems that in order to save
my memory I must forget all about
white bread. Per the MIND diet, if
it's whole grain it's good for your
brain. While we both love our share
of the rough stuff, I've been known
to stuff my mouth full of something
sweet. Hence my challenge will be
finding a whole grain substitute for
buttery pound cake. Why must one
give up all the joy just to maintain
one's sanity? I'm starting to think
that this MIND diet really sucks...

Over a barrel
The final key component in the MIND
diet is downing a glass of red wine on
a daily basis. While the experts at Rush
Medical Center won't get any argument
from me on this point - I do have one
question. In theory - the more you eat
of the good stuff on the MIND dietary
guidelines, the higher your chance of
avoiding Alzheimers. Hence can I also
assume that my current daily minimum
dosage of a bottle of Cote de Rhone
also dramatically ups my chances?
Now... what were we talking about?

STOCK UP SALE

Fully loaded
As a former city dweller I find the
the idea of driving miles to a Costco
and stocking up simply baffling.
Unlike times past - there's no doubt
that we have room to store a pallet
of peanut butter. However I lack the
discipline to procure, maintain, and
monitor an inventory of epicurean
bargains. In addition I can't help but
consider planning a month's menus
anything but daunting. Thus in the
event of a nuclear holocaust, it's
likely my larder may be lacking.

Private reserve
Don't get me wrong. I'm more than
willing to stock up on certain stuffs.
Believers in vino veritas - we must
confess to sizable stocks on hand.
And unlike foodstuffs - said vintages
only get better with age. In addition
our liquor cabinet is amply stocked
with at least two back up bottles of
popular distilled varieties. Plus a
stash of cherries, olives, and other
necessities. Therefore if the Volstead
Act is reinstated,  we'll survive any
dry spell more than well lubricated.

Backup plan
The fact is we're not going to starve.
Within our fairly ample cupboards is
a plethora of the things we deem to be
necessities -  anchovies, capers, pasta,
brown rice, and the requisite canned
tomatoes and stock. Plus an ample
supply of life's elixir - i.e. several big
bottles of extra virgin, cold pressed
ITALIAN olive oil. Meanwhile my
newfound freezer friend is packed
with protein just waiting to be braised,
grilled, or roasted. So at least in theory
we've got our consumption covered.

Stop and shop
Somehow I end up at our grocer daily.
It's obvious that the staff consider me
an odd duck. In a ranching community
where most travel monthly to stock up,
my constant shopping is if nothing else
an anomaly. Given we have only one
supermarket it is in essence our town
square. Therefore my daily sojourns
should provide ample opportunities
to meet and greet. However as a true
urbanite, I blithely walk past people
I know. You see, I'm a man with a
mission! And you are not on my list!

At a lack for fresh ideas
After almost a year of cooking every
night, I continue to find the task of
constant cookery daunting. Back in
Manhattan we dined out frequently.
Hence my limited recipe repertoire
was more than enough to satisfy our
appetites. However now that I'm in
essence chief cook and bottle washer -
finding something new to put out on
the table is a daily challenge. Given
I've never been one to plan, I prefer
to keep things fresh. Which requires
frequent forays out for foodstuffs.

An apple a day...
In the end fueling the beast gets a little
boring. Thus it's easy to complain about
our grocer. However the truth is I can
buy just about anything I want. Fresh
produce is sadly where our options are
most limited. But in truth, we've got the
same assortment as most major suburban
markets. In the old days I could run into
Dean and Delucca, Citarella, or the tiny
Amish Market and pick up some fresh
rabbit. However at D'Ags or the Food
Emporium - my choices were basically
the same as Lewistown's - BORING!

National distribution
The fact is everything in our country
has become rather homogenized.
Hence local color is faded at best.
Across this nation everything has
become almost exactly the same. So
while my fellow Central Montanans
grouse about their grocery store - it's
really not that different than anywhere
else. Meaning that even if one visits
the supermarket daily, chances are
you'll find little to nothing new or
surprising. Which bodes the question -
what will I make for dinner tonight?