Saturday, October 20, 2018


Uninvited guests
Ever see one of those zombie movies?
You know - where hordes of mindless
creatures roam the countryside leaving
destruction in their path? Given that
Halloween is just two weeks away, one
can't help but relate to the victims of
said macabre marauders. That's because
while we've no problem with the living
dead in Lewistown Montana, we have
once again been invaded by legions of
White Tail and Mule Deer. Therefore
no plant, tree, flower, or shrub in city
limits is safe from said venison vermin.
Horny little...
While one might assume they're rather
innocent I'm certain they know exactly
what they're doing. Last night I found
a five point buck calmly nibbling our
hydrangea out front. Given we've met
before - he nonchalantly looked me in
the eye as he continued eating away.
As I stood screaming in the dark it was
obvious that the only one acting like a
wild beast was all too human. Finally
he moved a few feet with a smirk on
his  snout. As if to telepathically say
"we shall not be moved old man!"
Survival of the fittest
You see, our neighborhood is now
theirs and it's obvious they have no
intention of moving out. Whether
they're born and bred locals or new
comers who've decided the area is
desirable, it's obvious they're here
to stay. That's because they live in
the urban equivalent of a gourmet
grocery store. Thus our venomous
venison  move from yard to yard
ingesting whatever suits their fancy.
And like Biblical locusts nothing is
sacred, spared, or left in their wake.
The harder they fall
Fortunately hunting season has begun.
In theory that means that soon many
furry neighbors may soon meet their
maker. Yet sadly those posh hunters
who fly into town from the east have
no interest in stalking domesticated
prey. Rather they're out in the fields
and mountains popping off our wild
beasts while leaving us locals to deal
with nibbling neighbors. Not only is
our flora in danger, at dusk it's rather
dangerous driving about town given
deer are if nothing else - jaywalkers.
License to kill?
Everybody talks about the issue yet
few townsfolk have any idea how to
solve it. We could happily co-exist.
However our furry friends have NO
manners - and thus aren't inclined to
alter their rude behavior. We could
shoot the damned deer but Montana
hunting laws prohibit annihilation
within city limits. So while nothing
would make me happier than said
velveted varmints transforming into
the deerly departed - it not that easy.
My quandary is who's hunting who?
Animal instincts
I'll admit I've considered poison. Yet
the last thing I want to do is shorten
the lifespan of a neighbor's beloved
pup or puss. One can hope for some
form of venison virus that in theory
would decimate the population. But
given they're so damned healthy it's
a fantasy to think they'll waste away.
Therefore our only viable option is
to be incredibly mean to the little
buggers. Which explains why I am
often found outside yelling at them
in my PJ's and slippers. To no avail.
Wall street
Ultimately the only way to keep hoofed
interlopers out is to erect seven to eight
foot tall fences or walls. And that's why
we created a compound around much
of your yard. While quite pricey - said
investment is offset by the savings from
not having to replace one's landscaping.
I'm not complaining. The added privacy
insure that we can work sans onlookers
stopping by to ask for a tour. And safe
within our enclave the only beasts that
one can call "dear" are definitely queer!
And if you don't like that - buck you!