Post returning full-time to Montana from
Manhattan I've been incommunicado. In
part because my recent foray in the Big
Apple was more than challenging. Or if
I'm honest - demoralizing. Realizing that
one is in the wrong place at the wrong time
with the wrong people isn't gratifying nor
the most pleasant of growth experiences.
Being treated as an interloper forced me
into a state of extended purgatory. Yet all
good things come to those who wait. Thus
ultimately I've been subsequently moving
to a better place. Slowly but surely...
Now that I'm back "home" I'm more than happy.
However that doesn't mean that I'm even now still
not working through what happened during 2017.
For reasons mostly known to myself I remain in
the midst of what must be deemed "recuperation".
Hence my isolationist tendencies have been in my
opinion more than justified. You see, one works
rather hard to reach a certain level of professional
status. And having that position jeopardized by
pseudo "peers" below said strata wasn't a pleasant
experience. Therefore to be clear - I'm a work in
process. Which has nothing to do with anybody
but myself. Thus I've kept to me, myself, and I.
Can one be happy and mad? Balancing such
extremes is easier than you might think. We
all need some sort of escape hatch. A place
where we go to work through reality. At one
point that was a gay bar. My next sweet spot
was Bergdorf Goodman and Barneys. Now
my haven, refuge, nirvana, is dead center in
the middle of Montana. Lewistown is not a
hiding place. Rather it's my comfort zone.
One where I can escape things irrelevant.
And finally get down to focusing on what's
important to me. Hence once again, I am
regaining control of my own destiny.
I've kept most of the above to myself. Which
may seem out of character. What I appreciate
is that many people have kept their distance
during my purposeful absence. However I
honestly had no idea that I was missed. Then
yesterday I got a voicemail from a neighbor
and former fellow board member. She shared
that while she respected my obvious "need to
stay away" - she wanted me to know that my
contributions on the local front were greatly
missed. Said message was not only affirming,
it was humbling. And while I'm not yet ready
to re-enter the fray... now I'm thinking about it.
Fairy tale ending
Having been mired in life's muck before,
I know that all pain becomes gain. Thus
said voice mail message was a gift from
above. Affirmation that I'm still a viable
entity by some. Pride is by definition is
a self induced phenomena. Therefore
given from whence it came - it's fantasy.
Whereas prejudice by definition a bias
based upon fiction beyond reason. Hence
in the end my pride and other's prejudice
are nothing but self-induced illusions.
Today I'm in a much better place. And
confident that the best is yet to come...