Saturday, December 30, 2017

Is all of this really necessary?

True confession
Come on... be honest. Have any of you
ever truly enjoyed a New Years Eve?
I find the very concept of this annually
enforced celebration ludicrous at best.
Depending what happened over a year
one is either happy, sad, resigned, or
ready to call it quits. Hence few want
to dress up, drive with drunks, and join
the hordes welcoming the annum. The
scent of booze mixed with vomit holds
no allure. Therefore I'm much rather
stay at home and watch Andy Cohen
flirt with Anderson Cooper from afar!
Limited engagement
While I occasionally enjoy a bit
of lubrication, I learned long ago
that extreme consumption is not
for me. Many the time I woke up
somewhere that I shouldn't have
been. Or was told I had uttered
things that shouldn't have been
said. Loose lips sink more than
ships given they also destroy any
sense of dignity. Thus if one must
imbibe - limit your exposure to
those near and dear. There's safety
in numbers. LESS IS MORE!
It takes all kinds
Alcohol brings out the best or worst.
Some of us become mean drunks -
vicious, angry, hostile souls ready
for a fight. Whereas others fall into
a corner for a snooze. Invariably we
leave a trail of boozy debris behind
us. Which is why the smartest of us
abstain to watch the spectacle as it
literally lays before them. There is
no need to view a big ball's descent
when one can watch civilization fall
from a bar stool. Winners take it in
as losers make fools of themselves.
With regrets
Since meeting Frank I've abstained from
mass gatherings at the end of each year.
Early on, we traveled our separate ways
to be with our families for the holidays.
Only to reconvene before the thirty first.
That night was our Christmas hence we
never shared it with others. Subsequently
we often welcomed the New Year with
his family at an early dinner out. And
while I enjoyed my share of Manhattans
I never went over the edge. Insuring that
we were both in bed before midnight. To
quote Piaf - "Non je ne regrette rien."
Dress for success
What are you doing New Years
Eve? As someone who cares,
may I make a few suggestions
on how to weather the big event?
First, wear something elegant yet
comfortable. Do NOT squeeze
into anything that may pop after
you've popped more than a bit
of the bubbly. Little is worse as
having something hang out when
it isn't supposed to. So dress for
success in order to avoid any sort
of wardrobe malfunctions.
Piss off
Why anybody would purposefully
welcome the New Year with a bad
hangover is beyond me. While it's
doubtful that dehydration will kill
you - I've awoken to many a buzz
kill due to a lack of H2o. So please,
as you guzzle be sure to down at
least one large glass of water per
hour. Not only will this insure that
everyone sees your new frock as
you travel to and from the loo - it
may save your life. And your liver
will thank you in the morning.
Ashes to ashes
If you must go out, why not be
like Cinderella and get the hell
out of Dodge prior to turning
into a pumpkin? Even if you
think you're fine to drive, don't.
If for no other reason that many
other mistaken drunks will be on
the same path to disaster. Why
risk starting 2018 in a body bag?
Do us all a favor and tuck in your
Buick before midnight. Or better
yet... let somebody else do the
driving. GO UBER ALWAYS!
All's well that ends well
In the end even parties are all about self
control. Automobile accidents or ripped
hems aside, the only person you hurt by
over indulgence is yourself. And at this
point in life haven't most of us figured
out what truly makes us happy? Rarely
is spending the last night of a year on a
bender the key to bliss. Rather looking
back upon the prior three hundred and
sixty five days is a learning experience.
Only you can gain from your mistakes.
So please do whatever possible to avoid
making any tomorrow night! ENJOY!