Monday, August 5, 2013

A complete failure?


Comfortably complacent
After a week in Montana and 
a frenzied return to Manhattan, 
I did absolutely nothing yesterday. 
Never left the house, made the bed, 
nor did a load of laundry. Whether 
my inactivity was due to age, apathy, 
exhaustion, or over indulgence isn't 
important. What's most amazing is 
that for the first time in my life... 
I can do absolutely nothing and 
actually enjoy doing just that.
My life wasn't always that way 
and looking back I can't help 
but think how sad that is. 

Misplaced dreams
When I was young, there wasn't 
anything I couldn't and wouldn't 
take on. For whatever reason I felt 
the need to make everything just 
a little harder. I simply couldn't be 
satisfied with the status quo, I had 
to push for more. Deep within me 
there was a drive to succeed. And 
I now ask myself, where did that 
excess exertion actually take me? 
I doubt it did nothing more than
complicate my already very, very
complicated existence.
Wasted energy
When hosting cocktails for one hundred of my dearest friends, why did I think anybody cared about my monogrammed and pressed linens napkins? Or that their glasses were owned and not rented? For whatever reason those things made me feel better about myself. It was important because it mattered to me.
Ill gotten gain
I must have been searching for some
elusive something. Was it validation?
Recognition? Status? Most of those 
people I once cared to impress have 
long forgotten about me (and I 
them). The few that kept in touch 
did so because they cared about me 
and not all the accoutrements. I can
now look back and think, how odd 
that I couldn't (or wouldn't) see that.
Broken hearts
I've been very fortunate to have loved 
and to have been loved. Sometimes it 
worked and at other times it didn't. 
No matter who it was, our shared time 
together made my life better and I'm 
eternally grateful for that. Ultimately 
I found a partner who was "perfect" 
for me. His love actually makes me 
a better person. That's because he is 
the perfect balance that puts it all in 
perspective. Slowly he helped me to
drop all of the pretense and to simply 
be happy being little old "me".
Lost loves
There's no doubt I tried to be the best parent I could be. I made so many mistakes it's a miracle my children grew to be adults. What is certain is that they have always been loved. Sadly that's not something everyone can say. Neurosis aside, I hope that someday they can accept the fact that even fathers are human.
Misspent youth 
I built my career through hard work. tough negotiation, and a bit of luck. Companies came and went as I was sold more times than an old Buick. However along the way I built friendships that have lasted long after our roles as coworkers faded away. And looking back, that's what 
I truly consider my success.
Mellow maturity
The way to enjoy life is to let it just happen. Planning, plotting, and worrying, about things you can't control never works. Accepting your strengths and weaknesses enables one to go with the flow. Someday I hope that my epitath will be