"There ain't nuttin' like a dame!"

Recently we discussed "Broads" on Montanaroue.

Today I feel the need to continue our exploration of this unique species.

Let's face it, most of the great ones are already gone.

Bea Arthur, Martha Raye, Joan Blondell, Selma Diamond, Nancy Walker.

These icons of colorful candor
live on in our memories,
cable syndication, and TCM.

One can still see random sightings 

of Fran Dresher on TV Land.

But few survive and even fewer thrive.

Where is the next generation?

Without them who will tell it like it is?

Broads 

are rare creatures 

on the brink 

of extinction.

Therefore it is every one's duty to cherish and protect the few we have left.

The following is a simple checklist of key characteristics of the species.

Broads are everywhere. Use this out in the field as you sight these rare birds. 

WARNING: 

If you encounter a Broad in her natural habitat, approach with caution.

Carmen Miranda raking the lawn

HIGH HEELS:
There is only one thing a Broad loves more than high heels, and that's a pair of even higher platforms. Height is her defense against predators. Therefore they can also be seen with large mounds of hair atop their heads. No matter what they do, Broads do it in heels.
- Pick up some milk
- Take a hike
- Mow the lawn
- Run a marathon
- Hunt for men

Joan Cusack in Working Girl

MONDO MAKEUP:
The patron saint of Broads is Max Factor. Makeup creates a protective shield that nothing can penetrate. Application is a simple yet proven formula:
- Pancake, lots of pancake.
- Boldly defined (painted) brows
- Heavy eye shadow (blue)
- Lots of lipstick (caked)
- Accent with beauty mark

AMPLE ASSETS:

The other man in her life is named FREDERICK (of Hollywood that is). Let's face it, every Broad knows how to maximize the girls. The key is cleavage which requires wearing the right bra. 

Hmmm... do you think that was Victoria's secret?

Martha Raye - Born in Butte, Montana

VOCAL VOLUME:
In order to be a true Broad, you must master the art of the "wisecrack". This unique talent requires that one to be extremely smart, experienced, and LOUD. Also, it doesn't hurt if you can also belt out an occasional ballad. Ethel Merman, Sophie Tucker, Barbra Streisand, Cyndi Lauper, Bernadette Peters, and Bette Midler became stars doing just that! Sing Louise, SING!

Who knows if we can save this endangered group of femme fatales?
It is up to each and every one of us to nurture, support, and adore them.
Otherwise, there will be no Broads to color our world!

Come on baby... light my fire.

Original owner, Mrs. Emma Cook by the fire at 314 Eighth Avenue North

We desperately need a mantle
for the living room fireplace
in our new house.

The original Rookwood Pottery
tile mantle (pictured at left)
is unfortunately long gone.
A prior owner greedily removed
this valuable antique and sold it.

All we're left with 
is a gaping black hole.

So we're on the start of a search. I'm considering all options - wood, limestone, marble, faux marble, brick, the list goes on and on.  And all that I can say is thank God for e-bay!  You can't believe the assortment available! I've already found several that are quite remarkable.

Speaking 
of all things incendiary, 
we are finally going to have a GAS RANGE! After years of high rise living, we're thrilled at the prospect of cookin' with gas! Initially we turned the gas a little too high as I wanted an AGA while Frank preferred La Cornue.

However, if we're going to live in Lewistown then we want to spend our money in Lewistown. Therefore we've selected a fabulous 48" KitchenAid Architects Series gas range.
It will be purchased from and serviced by
Weir's our local dealer. Located downtown on Main Street, they have been serving Central Montana for over fifty years!

I'm afraid that I may end up in the woodshed.

LOL! Could not resist inserting this image I found when I googled "woodsheds"! http://woodworkingease.com/1813/build-cheap-wood-shed/

The most important fire bearing accoutrement Frank wants in the new house is a wood burning stove.  Located down in the basement, it will be a "green" back up heating source rather than a noisy generator.
Friends have suggested a "pellet" stove. However, by their very nature the idea just doesn't feel right.  We're surrounded by mountains covered with trees. And Montana is rich with coal. Why not use what we've got right here, right now?

Pull up a chair, set a spell,  and warm yourself.

As we create our new home, our primary goal is to make it warm and welcoming. A place filled with love where we can enjoy our family and friends. Now if that isn't a dream come true, I don't know what is.

By The Fireside - David Tanner - http://raymarartcontest.com/winner/20413

Trezzzz Luxe...

A few years ago my friend "T" came to visit us in Dallas.
By the end of her trip she came to the conclusion
that everything in the Big D was actually French or some derivative thereof.
Hence the term she coined that entitles today's blog.

But... it wasn't supposed to be that way.
When I first arrived in Dallas I was excited.
Who wouldn't want to live in the land of GIANT?
Every Texan I had ever met was bigger than life, over the top,
and yet... brashly charming!

Quickly I discovered that 

Dallas is a strange place where

Bigger is better.
Gigantic is even better. 
And...
Colossal is the ultimate.

I know that statement seems to reinforce every stereotype ever heard about Dallas. While I've tried to give this place the benefit of the doubt, I've ultimately come to the conclusion that every cliche is absolutely TRUE.  The sad fact is that all these people really like to do is spend lots, dine out often, build big, nip and tuck, and show it all off.

You see, 

it's all about them.

They are a race of peroxide prima donnas who mask their sense of entitlement in a flirtatious southern drawl. Femme fatales driving their Bentleys at 70 miles per hour from valet to valet.

Even God has to wait as
they arrive late to mass.
Proudly tip tapping down the aisle in their designer stilettos. Only to exit shortly thereafter, just before the closing prayer.

Frankly, I've had enough of their frenzy for finery.

We recently attended an open house in the posh neighborhood of Highland Park.
4300 Saint Johns Drive is situated on a half acre overlooking Turtle Creek. Built in 1941, it's slightly over 6,100 sq. ft. with:
4 Living Areas
Paneled Library
2 Dining Areas
5 Bedrooms
6.5 Baths
3 Fireplaces
Pool and Spa

As we soaked in the charm,
a gentleman asked the realtor -
"Just how big a house 
can you build on this lot?"

You see, as far as Dallas
is concerned that elegant
and magnificent home is just a
$4.5 Million tear down.

This culture of consumption has finally worn me out.

After four years or doing nothing more than shop and dine... I'm done.

And while I will miss my friends at The Mansion, 4510, and Stanley Korshak,

it's time to go home.

SEEING RED?!

REDRUM
My first real job was as a "Boy Friday" in the Creative Department at
Macmillan Publishing on Third. That summer I met a lot of "broads".
Tough gals who did not mince words, show roots, nor avoid lipstick!

My primary responsibility was running
out for coffee, cigarettes, sandwiches,
or newspapers. In addition I got stuck
doing the dirty work like organizing the
storage room. A vast cave filled with art,
illustrations, and "mechanicals",  that job
took weeks to complete. 

My favorite task was making photo
copies of massive manuscripts. That's
because I had to go down to the fourth
floor Copy Center. And that meant that
I got to hang out with

Ronni, the redheaded receptionist!

Before sitting behind a desk, Ronni had danced at the Copa. Standing at over six feet and weighing 100 pounds at most, she was a glorious sight. Most amazing was her towering two foot topper of brilliant red curls. God, what a vision!
Ronni greeted guests in her cigarette laden Bronx Honk all day long. If she liked you, you might also hear a great story or song. But if she really liked you... Ronni would demonstrate one of her old Copa dance routines.

All as you waited for an elevator.

Invariably the majority of red heads I have met were broads. For some reason, when they walk into a room, they own it.

My ex wife had a flamed topped Aunt named Dee. Considered a "smart cookie", she was also a bookie.  That meant that Dee always had to sit closest to the phone during holiday dinners.

Joan Crawford by Margaret Keane

What is it about carrot tops? 
Throughout history we have adored and feared them. From Mary Queen of Scots, to Margert Sanger, to Lucille Ball, and finally to the ultimate red head, Joan Crawford.

Have you ever seen Jean Negulesco's classic The Best Of Everything?  This 1959 chick flick is all about "girls who don't marry at 20" surviving "the female jungle".  And who better to play Amanda Farrow, one of the big screens most bitter broads than Joan?
This one line sums it all up...

"You and your rabbit faced wife can both go to hell!"

Don't get me wrong. Broads can be incredibly chic and charming.  Grace Coddington comes to mind. She's been there... done that... but still seems sweet.  

Finally we come to my dear friend "H".
A vivacious auburn vixen, she recently disagreed with an opinion I shared on this blog. Cautiously we worked through our differences via carefully crafted e-mails. And thankfully "H" continues to be a beloved part of my life.

Because I love you, this one is for you BIG RED!

7th Day Surprise - UNBALANCED

Juggling a move, new house renovation, and life is completely consuming.

And while it may sound trite,

especially given every "retiree" claims the same phenomena,

I've never been busier!

Basket Jim - Covent Garden - 1930 - Courtesy Retronaut.com

DID YOU SEE THAT?

In an agricultural community,
oddities are everywhere.

From two headed calves,
to two legged horses,
to headless chickens,
we've seen it all.

Then, just when you think
you have seen everything,

suddenly something comes along that simply amazes.

A few months ago, Frank and I were on our way to Billings.
Along the 127 mile route we pass through two towns and not much else.
So, we decided to be smart and gas up in Roundup, population 1,853.

Roundup Montana - 1950's

Musselshell County Courthouse - Roundup MT

Frankly there isn't much to see or do in Roundup. Other than coal mining, ranching, or taking care of business at the Musselshell County Courthouse.

At least that's what 
I thought until...

Suddenly a vision
appeared across from
us on Main Street.

A very large "woman",
wearing an even larger hat,
was perched upon a
very small bicycle.

As she rode towards
us, we quickly
realized that she
was actually a "he".

Please note:
While the image to our right is not an actual representation, it's pretty damned close to reality!

And you thought Pricilla was the queen of the desert?!

Quickly our colorful friend got off her bike, sauntered into the
convenience store, made several purchases, and then rode off into the sunset.

And nobody seemed to notice.

That's what is so magical about the west. It's still home to the pioneer spirit.
One of the few places left where you can set your own rules and boundaries.
Truly a wide open range where the deer, antelope, and... drag queens play.

Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word.

There's a lesson from that day in Roundup for everybody, even New Yorkers.
Everyday in Times Square the pioneer spirit lives on.
Just ask the Naked Cowboy...

Please, just tell me the truth.

A simple yet a rare reality
For whatever reason most people seem to prefer to avoid the facts.
Usually this is driven by a desire to soften or defer any confrontation.
But sadly, without direct communication things only get worse.

Sometimes you just have to tell the truth. It's so much better than subterfuge.

Confrontation isn't such a bad thing. In fact you can handle it quite elegantly. One of my favorite examples of that art is this scene from Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

Why can't life be like the movies?

Or even better yet, an episode of The Golden Girls?

Conflict, candor, resolution.

All in thirty minutes with several commercial breaks.

Thankfully I am surrounded by people who truly love me. And that means they often have to "tell it like it is". A few months ago I dined with one of my most cherished friends, "D". Before we finished our first glass of Cabernet... she started in on me.

"You need to find balance in your life."

"You've lost your soul."

"You're fat."
"You've become a horrible 
  partner, father, friend."
"Quit your job before it kills you."
"You have everything you want 
  but is it enough?"
"It's not worth killing yourself is it?"

And... everything 
she said was totally correct.

That evening was a wake up call. "D" laid out the facts in a caring, compassionate, yet candid manner. Hearing her say the things I felt deep in my heart caused me to make important changes.
Honestly, 
she saved my life.

Over the years, my closest friend "T" has told me many things that frankly were initially quite shocking.  But... upon reflection... always right. 

Love often requires

taking a chance.

Ultimately I've found that only those closest to me have been willing to tell me things I did not want to hear.

At one point in our relationship,

Frank had to challenge me about 

something extremely personal 

and therefore highly volatile.  

My reaction was - 

"If you force me to choose, 

 it will probably not be you." 

His response?

"I love you so much that I'm willing to take that risk."

I adore future, anything future!

My Mother had a friend named Veda.
Just her name alone is fabulous isn't it?

As a child, "Aunt" Veda
would occasionally swoop in for luncheon.

Her hat always a bit off as was her demeanor.

Frankly, she was tacky.
And hence, Ethel only set a table for two.

Veda was always adorned in full regalia.
She loved hot pink, or "future" as she called it.
(Bronx Honk to English translation, "fuchsia").

I probably met Veda six times at most.
But annually received a Christmas and birthday card with "Love, Veda" boldy scrawled across it.

Beyond that,
I know nothing else about who she was.
Or her connection to my demure Mother.
Sadly I'll never know.
Both Ethel and Veda are long gone.
But she still fascinates me...

I think it's the name...
Veda was also the moniker of the evil child protagonist in Mildred Pierce.
"Mother, you're a scream."
But even more awful was Monty, Mildred's playboy husband.
"Stay away from Veda."
What was most appalling about Monty was that he was a "blue blood".

And people like that shouldn't behave like that.

Nieuw Amsterdam - New York - 1664

Lineage was extremely important to my Mother.

To women like Ethel, your roots defined where you fit in socially.

And while proud of connections to Mayflower passengers, 

her greatest pride was that our ancestors 

had been residents of Manhattan since it's very beginning.

Mae Murray - Monte Blue - Broadway Rose - 1922

Another Monte enters stage left...

My first cousin twice removed was a film actor named Monte Blue.

His given name was actually Gerard Montgomery Blue.

Monte had the lineage of a thoroughbred.

Yet he opted to become an actor.
And... that was something he was never forgiven for.

Monte Blue as Danton in Orphans Of The Storm - 1921

The Blues
are among our most venerable ancestors. Danes, the Blauws arrived in Nieuw Amsterdam in the early 17th Century.

The Gerards
were equably equitable relatives. Through them we can trace our lineage back to 14th century France. But what was important was that they also settled in New York early on. 

Maybe Monte channeled his french ancestors when he played Danton in D.W. Griffith's Orphans Of The Storm in 1922 with Lillian Gish.

After starting out as a stuntsman on the first full length blockbuster "Birth of a Nation", Monte went on to have a long and illustrious film career. Initially as a leading man, and later as a beloved character actor. None of that mattered to my Great Grand Mother Sadie Blue King.

Monte Blue as Geronimo in Apache - 1954

Early on, Monte made a grave error by telling a reporter he was descended from Cherokee Indians. That "lie" forever placed Monte in familial purgatory. Strangely, the myth continues to this day on Wikipedia. But in reality, the only Native Americans in Monte's life were the ones he played on the screen.

Honest injun. Lies can often become "facts".

Monte, Barbara Ann, and Tove Blue - 1927